Types of Intimate Partner Abuse

Intimate partner abuse can be broken down into five main categories – physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, and financial. Below, we will describe each type and provide examples.

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse within an intimate partnership includes any act of physical violence, especially as part of a pattern of behavior intended to gain or maintain control over one’s partner. This includes property destruction and self harm when these acts are committed for the purpose of emotionally manipulating another person.

Some common examples of physical abuse in relationships include:

Keep in mind that this is not an exhaustive list. Any physically aggressive, violent, or aggravated behavior can be considered physical abuse, whether it happens once or a hundred times.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse, both in and out of relationships, includes any nonconsensual sexual behaviors, comments, gestures, or activities. In the context of intimate partner abuse, sexual abuse typically occurs as part of a larger pattern of abusive behavior.

Some common examples of sexual abuse in relationships include:

Rape and sexual assault
Nonconsensually exposing one’s partner to pornography or other sexual imagery
Guilting or shaming one’s partner for not wanting to have sex
Withholding care and affection when your partner doesn’t fulfill your sexual desires

It’s important to remember that sexual assault and rape are defined exactly the same way regardless of the relationship between the perpetrator and the victim. Being in a relationship with someone does not grant them sexual access to you.

For more on this topic, consider reading the following articles next:

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse in a relationship can include any intentionally harmful, belittling, insulting, or otherwise emotionally damaging comments. While we all say things we don’t mean at times, abusive comments occur as part of a pattern of behavior designed to manipulate someone, lower their self esteem, and accrue power in a relationship dynamic.

Examples of verbal abuse in relationships include:

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is perhaps the trickiest type of abuse to define. It often happens in subtle ways that might be difficult to spot by those outside the relationship.

However, emotional abuse cuts deep and can have lasting negative effects on par with other types of abuse. The idea that emotional abuse is somehow “less bad” than physical abuse is a myth. In fact, numerous studies have shown that people who experience emotional abuse are even more likely to develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) than those who experience other forms of abuse.

Examples of emotional abuse in relationships include:

Emotional cruelty
Consistently neglecting or dismissing a partner’s emotions
Intentionally or carelessly crossing someone’s stated boundaries
Invading a partner’s privacy by monitoring their phone, computer, location, etc.
Excessive jealousy
Controlling who a partner can and cannot spend time with
Controlling what a partner wears
Engaging in intimidation as a way of controlling a partner’s behavior

While the examples on the list above might seem obvious, much of the emotional abuse that occurs in romantic relationships is harder to recognize.

Here are a few examples of emotionally abusive behaviors that might seem “innocent” but can contribute to an abusive dynamic:

Financial Abuse

One of the least discussed yet most common forms of abuse is financial abuse. Present in 99% of abusive relationships according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, financial abuse happens when one partner controls part or all of the other partner’s finances, especially without consent or as a way to maintain power and control.

Financial abuse is particularly insidious because it makes leaving abusive relationships significantly harder for victims. Without access to financial resources, abuse victims may find it extremely difficult or even impossible to change their circumstances or gain independence from a violent or abusive relationship.

Some examples of financial abuse include:

One partner disallowing the other from having their own bank account or accessing an existing bank account
One partner assuming control over part or all of their partner’s income
One partner making all financial decisions for the couple (unless this is a consensual and agreed-upon dynamic)
One partner disallowing the other partner from having a job or earning income
One partner excessively and unnecessarily monitoring or controlling the other’s spending

Cycles of Abuse

It’s important to recognize that most cases of intimate partner abuse follow a pattern called a “cycle of abuse.” This means that abusive behaviors are not always present to the same degree, making abusive dynamics harder to recognize during certain phases of the relationship.

A cycle of abuse is characterized by periods of abusive behavior and outbursts, followed by pleas for forgiveness by the abuser and a period of relative calm. These cycles make it particularly difficult to get out of abusive dynamics because victims may become convinced that the dynamic is shifting when the abuser is “on good behavior.”

To learn more about abuse cycles in relationships, visit our article “Understanding Cycles of Abuse (and How We Get Stuck in Them).”

Intimate Partner Abuse FAQs

Do rape and sexual assault “count” if the perpetrator is your partner or spouse?

Yes. Rape and sexual assault are defined the same way regardless of the relationship between the victim and the perpetrator. Being married to or in a relationship with someone does not give them sexual access to you, and being raped or sexually assaulted in a relationship is a serious form of abuse.

Does abuse have to be physical or sexual to count as intimate partner abuse?

No. Many forms of relationship abuse are not physical or sexual in nature. Emotional, verbal, and financial abuse can all have significant negative effects on one’s life and wellbeing despite involving zero physical contact. Abuse victims can even develop post-traumatic stress disorder due to experiencing emotional or verbal abuse.

Do wives owe sex to their husbands?

Absolutely not. Being married to someone does not give them sexual access to you. If you are being pressured, guilted, coerced, or manipulated into having sex with your spouse, this is considered sexual assault and is an extreme form of relationship abuse.

Can abusive partners change?

This depends. While all people are capable of change, ending an abusive dynamic in a relationship requires serious, long-term commitment. Unless someone is prepared to pursue several years (or more) of consistent therapy to fundamentally improve their own mental health, it’s unlikely their behavior will change. Waiting around for an abusive partner to change unfortunately doesn’t usually lead to good outcomes.

Conclusion

Intimate partner abuse includes a wide range of unacceptable behaviors rooted in one person’s desire to control another. Due to the complicated nature of love and attachment, it’s also one of the most difficult forms of abuse to escape from. That said, leaving an abusive relationship is absolutely possible with the right support and planning.

For more support in this area, check out the Safety Planning Checklist for Fleeing An Abusive Relationship, as well as “How to Talk to Your Children About Intimate Partner Abuse.”

Summary :

Intimate partner abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse, with 10-25% of all people experiencing physical or sexual abuse and nearly half of all people experiencing emotional abuse from a partner in their lifetime. Also known as domestic violence, intimate partner abuse includes physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and financial abuse. Some common forms of intimate partner abuse include hitting, sexual assault, emotional neglect and cruelty, and nonconsensual financial domination. In most cases, relationship abuse occurs in cycles.

About the Author

Dana Anastasia (they/them) is an independent writer, editor, podcaster, and artist. With a degree in interdisciplinary sociology and a background in domestic violence and sexual assault advocacy, Dana brings a keen awareness of victim and survivor needs and experiences to their work. Learn more at www.danaanastasia.com.

Sources

National Domestic Violence Hotline – https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/
National Network to End Domestic Violence – https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence – https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS
“Intimate Partner Violence in Transgender Populations: Systematic Review and Meta-analysis of Prevalence and Correlates” American Public Health Association – https://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/abs/10.2105/AJPH.2020.305774?journalCode=ajph
“Is Emotional Abuse As Harmful as Physical and/or Sexual Abuse?” Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7683637/

What is Intimate Partner Abuse?