Talk to Your Children About Intimate Partner Abuse - Go Thrive Go

December 4, 2023 Dec 04, 2023 3 min read

Checklist: How to Talk to Your Children About Intimate Partner Abuse

The following checklist is designed to help you prepare for the potentially complicated and uncomfortable process of talking with your children about intimate partner abuse in your relationship or family. You may find yourself needing to have this conversation as a part of preparing to leave an abusive partner or co-parent, or simply as a result of intimate partner abuse happening between other members of your family. In any case, the following steps will help prepare you for these conversations.

Check in with a therapist or counselor first

If possible, talk with a therapist or counselor ahead of speaking with your children about intimate partner abuse in your relationship or family. Therapists (especially those with a focus on family therapy and/or trauma) can help you plan an approach for speaking with your children based on your unique circumstances.

Even if you don’t have a dedicated therapist or counselor, try calling a domestic violence hotline to speak through the process with a dedicated volunteer or advocate.

Let’s stay in touch

We’d like to be able to share more of our resources and support with you.

Only share what’s absolutely necessary

Before speaking with your children about intimate partner abuse in your relationship or family, check in with yourself about what needs to be shared and what doesn’t. In most cases, your children will only need to know the basics and should be spared all unnecessary details.

For example, they may need to know that one of their parents or relatives is unsafe to be around – but they shouldn’t be exposed to specific stories of violent or abusive instances.

Plan for safety

Focus your conversation on safety. For example, you may need to communicate to your child that their other parent is no longer allowed to pick them up from school. Similarly, you may need to let them know not to answer calls from unknown numbers on their phone. Whatever this looks like for you and your family, make sure to focus your conversation on letting your child know how to stay as safe as possible.

Don’t treat your kids like confidants or therapists

The most important thing to remember when speaking with your children about violence or abuse in your family is that your children are not your friends or your therapist. While it can certainly be tempting to seek emotional support and comfort from your children by confiding in them about what you’ve experienced, this can cause immense and lasting emotional and psychological harm. Find other ways to seek emotional support from adult friends, therapists, or support groups.

Connect your children with a counselor

Just as you will likely seek support from a counselor or therapist for yourself, your children will also benefit from this type of support. Open up the conversation with them by letting them know you’re considering connecting them with a counselor, and ask them if this is something they would be open to trying. While it’s normal for children to feel hesitant, resistant, or even scared of the idea of counseling at first, opening up the conversation early can give your child time to become more comfortable with the idea.

For more support and information on this topic, check out our article “What Is Intimate Partner Abuse?” as well as our “Safety Planning Checklist for Fleeing an Abusive Relationship.”