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December 7, 2023 Dec 07, 2023 8 min read

Understanding Cycles of Abuse (and How We Get Stuck in Them)

Highlights

  • Based on a study carried out by researcher and activist Lenore E. Walker in 1979, the theory of abuse cycles describes the patterns of behavior observed in abusive relationships
  • Cycles of abuse involve four phases – the abuse phase, the amends phase, the calm phase, and the tension phase
  • Victims surviving abusive relationship dynamics often get stuck in cycles of abuse due to their manipulative nature

For the nearly 50% of all people who experience relationship abuse at some point in their life, cycles of abuse are an insidious and disheartening reality. But what exactly is a cycle of abuse?

 

In this article, we’ll outline a basic definition, explore the four phases of an abuse cycle, and discuss how these cycles develop.

 

What is a Cycle of Abuse?

The term “cycle of abuse” refers to a social theory used to describe the patterns of behavior in abusive relationships.

 

First identified by research psychologist Lenore E. Walker in 1979, cycles of abuse appear in both romantic and familial abusive relationships and can involve various types of abuse.

 

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Cycles of Abuse – The 4 Phases

A cycle of abuse involves four phases – the abuse phase, the amends phase, the calm phase, and the tension phase.

 

Depending on the nature of a specific relationship, any phase of the cycle could theoretically come first. For the sake of this article, we’ll look at the abuse phase first.

 

The Abuse Phase

During the abuse phase, the abusive person in the relationship engages freely in their problematic behaviors. This phase can last anywhere from a few hours to several years depending on the nature of a specific abuse cycle.

 

Abusive relationship dynamics are easiest to recognize during the abuse phase. The abusive person does little to temper or control their behavior, and the victim(s) may begin to daydream or plan to change things or even leave the relationship.

 

The Amends Phase

During the amends phase, the abusive person typically apologizes and temporarily changes their behavior. This often happens as a result of the victim(s) threatening to leave, report, or make other serious changes in the relationship. Abusive persons engage in amends as a way of securing the relationship dynamic and maintaining the cycle of abuse.

 

The amends phase often involves grand promises and proclamations of change. Most abusers are highly skilled at emotional manipulation and manage to convince their victims that they’re sincere about changing. However, the amends phase fits into the larger abuse cycle, and most abusive relationship dynamics unfortunately do not shift.

 

The amends phase is also sometimes referred to as the reconciliation phase.

The Calm Phase

If an abuser manages to convince their victim(s) that the relationship will change, the couple or family may enter into a period of relative calm. During this phase, the people in the relationship tend to feel hopeful and may even experience a sense of harmony or happiness. The victim(s) may feel overjoyed, relieved, or loved due to believing that the abuse has ended.

 

During this time, the abusive person maintains “good behavior” and may even hold genuine intentions to change. However, if steps toward change are taken, they are generally approached half-heartedly or inconsistently.

The Tension Phase

As the calm phase wanes, the tension phase builds. During this phase, the abusive person begins to show signs that their problematic behaviors are returning. Tension continues to build in the relationship dynamic until an incident triggers an outburst or regression of abuse, and the cycle begins again.

 

It’s important to note that because most people who commit abusive behaviors experience unaddressed trauma and mental health issues, they may not know they’re perpetuating a cycle of abuse. However, this does not make them any less accountable or responsible for their behaviors.

Why We Get Caught in Abuse Cycles

The key reason many people get caught in cycles of abuse is that these cycles are fundamentally manipulative. The person experiencing abuse is emotionally manipulated into believing that the pattern of behavior will change. Over time, as the cycle continues, the victim becomes more emotionally attached to the abuser, making it harder to leave. Due to the nature of emotional abuse, it’s often extremely difficult to tell just how serious the abuse is when a victim is still inside of the abusive relationship.

 

That said, some people find themselves stuck in abusive cycles for a range of other reasons. Many of these reasons have to do with foundational childhood experiences, current health and financial circumstances, mental health, and other factors.

 

A few examples of other factors that make us more susceptible to abuse cycles include:

  • Financial or physical dependence on an abusive partner (or vice versa)
  • History of abusive dynamics and relationships
  • Unaddressed mental health issues or trauma
  • Holding onto unhealthy beliefs or ideas about love and relationships
  • Physical needs or disability that create dependence within an abusive dynamic

A Note on Intermittent Reinforcement

For those who get stuck in cycles of abuse, feelings of guilt or shame* may arise due to struggling to get out. Many survivors wonder if there’s something wrong with them or if some part of them actually enjoys the abuse.

 

But by looking at abusive relationships from a scientific perspective, we see how cycles of abuse happen and why they’re so difficult to get out of. To help us understand this, let’s look at the concept of intermittent reinforcement.

 

In psychology, intermittent reinforcement is characterized by receiving specific rewards or consequences sometimes but not all the time. In other words, when something happens, your brain does not know whether you will receive a reward, a consequence, or neither. The theory of reinforcement is used to explain and determine a range of human behaviors, and studies have shown that intermittent reinforcement can create a pattern of addiction in the brain. When our brains are met with intermittent reinforcement, we’re significantly more likely to become addicted to the reinforcement process.

 

So, how does this relate to abusive relationships?

 

In a cycle of abuse, we experience a system of intermittent reinforcement. The abusive person we’re in a relationship with sometimes displays loving, caring behaviors towards us, but at other times, they are manipulative, cruel, or even violent. While abuse cycles are predictable to some degree, abusive relationships are largely characterized by unpredictability. Cycles of abuse have predictable phases, but we can’t always predict when one phase will end and the next will begin.

 

 

As this pattern of relative unpredictability continues, our brains become addicted to the intermittent reinforcement of rewards and consequences. Similar to the way someone might become addicted to gambling or reckless drug use, we can become addicted to abusive relationships. Once this happens, cycles of abuse can be extremely difficult (but never impossible) to overcome.

 

*(For help dealing with guilt and shame as a survivor, check out our article “How to Cope with Shame and Guilt After Sexual Assault or Abuse.”)

Conclusion

The cycle of abuse is the faulty framework enabling abusive relationships to continue in so many people’s lives. But while these cycles are all too easy to get trapped in, understanding how they work can actually empower us to more effectively overcome them.

 

For a broader look at abusive relationships, check out our article “What Is Intimate Partner Abuse?”

Summary :

The term “cycle of abuse” refers to a social theory used to describe the patterns of behavior in abusive relationships. These cycles involve four phases – the abuse phase, the amends phase, the calm phase, and the tension phase. During the abuse phase, the abusive person in the relationship engages freely in problematic behaviors. During the amends phase, the abusive person typically apologizes and temporarily changes their behavior. If an abuser manages to convince their victim(s) that the relationship will change, the couple or family may enter into a period of relative calm known as the calm phase. As the calm phase wanes, tension builds (the tension phase), eventually leading to an outburst of abusive behavior, starting the cycle over. The key reason many people get caught in cycles of abuse is that these cycles are fundamentally manipulative. However, some people may also struggle with situational circumstances such as financial or physical dependence or unaddressed mental health issues. From a psychological perspective, cycles of abuse are psychologically addictive due to resembling an intermittent reinforcement system.

About the Author

Dana Anastasia (they/them) is an independent writer, editor, podcaster, and artist. With a degree in interdisciplinary sociology and a background in domestic violence and sexual assault advocacy, Dana brings a keen awareness of victim and survivor needs and experiences to their work. Learn more at www.danaanastasia.com.



Sources

 

Domestic Violence Center of Chester County – https://dvcccpa.org/fast-facts-statistics/#:~:text=Nearly%20half%20of%20all%20women,psychologically%20abuse%20them%20(5)

 

Psychology Today – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-after-50/201701/love-me-love-me-not 

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