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December 5, 2023 Dec 05, 2023 11 min read

How to Navigate Sex After Sexual Trauma

Highlights

  • Approximately 70-90% of women who experience sexual assault struggle with some aspect of their sex lives as a result (research is limited for people of other genders)
  • Some helpful strategies for navigating sex after trauma include removing expectations and timelines, being patient and moving at a slow pace, practicing consent, preparing for triggers, and broadening your definition of sex and intimacy
  • Healing from sexual trauma can happen alone or with others, but ensuring your sexual partners are safe, respectful, and communicative is essential for healing
  • As with all aspects of trauma healing, working alongside a trained therapist or counsellor can help you more effectively navigate these challenges

Navigating sex and intimacy after sexual trauma can be extremely complicated, scary, and confusing. While sex and intimacy may have felt natural and exciting before trauma, these experiences may become sources of fear or panic in the wake of a traumatic event. For those who experienced sexual trauma early in their lives, intimacy and anxiety may even feel inextricable.

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While research is limited, studies indicate that 70-90% of women who experience sexual assault struggle with some aspect of their sex lives as a result. But while healing from sexual trauma is no simple task, it can be done. In this article, we will discuss strategies for navigating sex after sexual trauma.

6 Tips for Navigating Sex After Sexual Trauma

As you practice the steps below, consider getting support from a therapist. Therapists trained to assist survivors of sexual trauma can help you set realistic goals and get to the root of your hardships. For help finding a therapist who’s right for you, check out “How to Find a Trauma Therapist” and “What to Look for in a Trauma Therapist.”

 

Whether or not you have a therapist, the steps below can help you more effectively navigate sex after sexual trauma.

1. Remove expectations

Expectations and sex don’t mix well. In fact, being held to sexual expectations (by ourselves or by others) can hinder our ability to feel relaxed, at ease, or aroused. Approaching your sexuality and sex life with patience, openness, and flexibility will increase your chances of experiencing pleasure and presence.

 

Self-imposed expectations

Identifying sexual expectations you’ve placed on yourself can be tricky. Start by looking for anywhere you’ve attached the word “should” to an idea you hold about sex.

 

Some examples of expectations you may be putting on yourself include:

  • “I should have sex with my partner even if I’m feeling triggered or don’t want to.”
  • “I should feel aroused when x, y, or z happens.”
  • “I should want to be sexual x times per week/month.”
  • “I shouldn’t get triggered with my partner.”

Removing phrases and beliefs like these from our thinking can help us relax and approach sex with more flexibility, patience, and ease.

 

 

And remember: it’s okay to not have sex. In some cases, removing self-imposed expectations from your sex life could mean removing the expectation to be sexual at all. Reclaiming your sexuality and sex life after trauma should be motivated by your genuine desire to reconnect with that part of yourself – not by a sense of obligation or duty to a partner or set of expectations.

Expectations from others

When sexual expectations come from other people, they may sound like:

 

  • “You shouldn’t be struggling so hard to have sex with me.”
  • “We should be having sex more often.”
  • “You should figure out what your problem is with sex so you can stop hurting our relationship.”

As you can probably tell, sexual expectations imposed upon us by other people are inherently problematic. They lay the groundwork for a lack of true consent and constitute the beginnings of sexual coercion. If you are in a sexually coercive or manipulative dynamic with a partner, finding a way out of that dynamic will be an essential part of your healing process.

2. Be patient and go slow

Removing expectations from our sex lives also means removing timelines. While it’s understandable to want to complete your healing process by a certain date or occasion, trauma recovery doesn’t follow a schedule. While it can feel challenging, try focusing more on the process of your recovery journey rather than on the end goal.

 

 

While this won’t be true for everyone, most sexual trauma survivors also find that taking a slow pace with sex helps reduce fear and anxiety. By approaching sexual experiences (alone or with a partner) with slowness and patience, your body will have time to adjust to each phase of the experience. Moving too quickly or expecting yourself to be ready before you really are can easily trigger trauma responses or make it harder for you to notice when you’re becoming triggered.

 

 

While needing to go slow during a sexual experience can bring up feelings of self consciousness, shame, or embarrassment, trust that the people worth sharing intimacy with will understand and respect your needs.

3. Practice consent with yourself and others

The hallmark of most sexually traumatic experiences is a lack of consent. As a result, practicing clear, collaborative, and active consent with all of your sexual partners is an excellent way to cultivate a sense of empowerment and safety in your sex life.

 

This doesn’t just mean knowing how to say ‘yes’ – it also means knowing how and when to say ‘no.’ Figuring out how to do this requires paying close attention to your body and desires.

 

 

But practicing consent doesn’t just apply to our sexual relationships with other people. It’s important to practice “self consent,” too. Self consent is the idea that we must seek out our own permission and willingness when engaging in any activity, including sex. Cultivating a healthy consent practice starts with practicing self consent.

 

 

Make sure you and your partners all know what consent is and how you can practice it together. For more information about consent, check out our article “What is Consent?”

4. Prepare to be triggered

Unfortunately, becoming triggered during sex and intimacy is a fairly universal experience for sexual trauma survivors. Expecting that triggers and trauma responses will happen can help you be more prepared to navigate your sexual experiences.

 

Thankfully, becoming triggered does not necessarily mean that anyone did anything wrong or that you’re in an unsafe situation. Triggers can simply indicate that an aspect of our current experience is reminding our bodies of an aspect of our trauma. Learning how to recognize, discuss, and navigate your trauma triggers with your sexual partners is an essential part of staying present and grounded as you navigate sex after trauma.

 

For more information about trauma triggers and how to navigate them, check out our article “Triggers and Trauma Responses: What They Are and How to Cope.”

5. Pause or stop when you need to

If and when you become triggered during a sexual experience (even if you’re alone), take time to pause, slow down, or even stop altogether. Because our nervous systems believe we are in real danger any time we’re triggered or activated, slowing down and returning to a state of relative calm is an essential part of healing our relationship to sex. 

 

While some triggers may pass after taking some time to pause and check in with yourself or your partner, other trauma responses will necessitate stopping altogether and moving onto another activity. This is 100% okay. It’s important to create space and permission for yourself to end a sexual encounter at any point if you no longer can or want to move forward. Having partners who understand and respect this is essential.

6. Broaden your definition of sex and intimacy

Finally, holding onto rigid ideas of what sex is, what it’s supposed to look like, how long it’s supposed to last, and who it’s supposed to happen with can limit our ability to enjoy sex after trauma. Give yourself permission to explore new ideas about what intimacy is or could be.

 

While mainstream ideas of sex and sexuality teach us that sex is a specific act that happens between two specific types of people, culminating in orgasm, intimacy actually includes an infinite variety of experiences and activities. Experimenting with a range of activities that don’t necessarily culminate in penetrative sex or orgasm can be extremely helpful for rediscovering presence in sex and intimacy.

 

Below are examples of some standard beliefs about sex paired with suggested new perspectives.

 

Standard Belief

New Perspective

Sex = penetrative sex between a man and a woman that results in orgasm

Sex = any consensual activity or experience that allows someone to feel pleasurably or erotically engaged with their body or mind

If sex has to stop “part way through,” it doesn’t count

Any consensual sexual encounter can be pleasurable and valuable regardless of how long it lasts or at what point it stops

Sex has to involve genitals and/or erogenous zones

Any aspect of the body or mind can be involved in the sexual experience as long as they bring pleasure and joy to the experience

Solo sex is inferior to partnered sex

Sexual experiences do not exist as a hierarchy, and solo sex can be an amazing way to safely engage with sex after sexual trauma

Safety Note

It’s important to note that the strategies listed above can only be effectively applied to sexual relationships and dynamics with safe partners (including yourself!). While having a partner is not required, any sexual partners you do have should exhibit respectful behavior, effective communication, and safe sex and consent practices.

 

 

For help recognizing whether your sexual partners are safe, check out our article “How to Recognize Sexual Coercion.”

Conclusion

Navigating sex after sexual trauma can feel disheartening, frustrating, or even hopeless at times. But it’s always possible to find pleasure and connection again with time, patience, and support.

 

 

For more information on this topic, check out “Your Step-by-Step Guide to Recovering from Sexual Trauma.”

Summary :

Most sexual trauma survivors struggle with certain aspects of their sexuality. Navigating sex after sexual trauma can be made somewhat easier by removing expectations from the process, broadening one’s perspectives on what sex should look like, practicing active consent with safe partners, moving at a slow pace, learning to recognize triggers and trauma responses, and working alongside a therapist or counsellor trained to assist victims and survivors of sexual trauma. While becoming triggered during sexual activity is more or less inevitable for most trauma survivors, it’s important not to overlook signs of manipulation, coercion, or abuse in sexual partners. Healing from sexual trauma is only possible once any current abusive dynamics have ended.

About the Author

Dana Anastasia (they/them) is an independent writer, editor, podcaster, and artist. With a degree in interdisciplinary sociology and a background in domestic violence and sexual assault advocacy, Dana brings a keen awareness of victim and survivor needs and experiences to their work. Learn more at www.danaanastasia.com.



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